Friday, September 29, 2006

Pat Tiberi tried to murder your child

Most of the time, I try not to write things that are easily misconstrued to mean the exact opposite of the point I was trying to make. I do speak them all the time. A sizable proportion of listeners are offended by what they think I am saying. I quickly realize that I didn't make my point clearly enough. I'm afraid that this is going to be one of those times, so I'm giving this punchline-killing milquetoast intro to the post.

The Point: Republicans put out misleading and cynical ads about Democrats being weak on terror. Admittedly, Tiberi has not been the biggest offender on this front (if I were including the Senate race in my focus, this post would have a different title), but his recent vote for torture is consistent with the Republican policy of Terror as Politics. Many Republicans are planning on using votes against the odious new tribunal bill to paint Democrats as wanting to give "terrorists more rights." People seem to forget that there is a difference between "terror suspect" and "terrorist." I am proposing (and by proposing I mean something like a Swiftian "modest{ly} propos{ing}") the following ad that will either clarify the distinction in the minds of voters, by making them see that without due process, anyone can be labeled a terrorist (unlawful combatant), stripped of their rights and assaulted on the say-so of others who may have ulterior motives. Or perhaps it could win votes from anyone too mentally challenged to admit a difference, who would believe that Pat Tiberi must want to kill children (no matter how little credibility a reasonable individual would grant such a ludicrous accusation) if an authoritative-sounding voice says so:

Pat Tiberi Attempted to Murder Central Ohio Children
Pat Tiberi is a terrorist. He is ruthless.
He has secretly plotted with Jihadists to kill between 100 and 500 children in central Ohio.

You might say this is an extraordinary claim that requires extraordinary evidence.
But you are wrong. He is a terrorist. No evidence is necessary.
Even so there is evidence. We can't show it to you (and never will).
But there is evidence. Trust me. Why would he be accused of terrorism if there wasn't rock-solid evidence? Look at these edited documents:

It will be difficult to have him detained by a Republican-Controlled Justice Department while the GOP is trying to retain control of the house. Of course, if he confesses, the FBI will have little choice. Citizens are urged to use initiative and imagination in persuading Mr. Tiberi to confess. It is our duty as Americans. We love our country. He's a terrorist. Should he have more rights than we do? No. You have the right to save your family by whatever means are effective and necessary. Defenders of freedom will be retroactively exempt from prosecution once Congress is free of terror.

Pat Tiberi has tried to kill your kids before, and he will try again. Will it be an elementary school in Westerville, or a day care center in Reynoldsburg? We don't know. But if you don't remove the threat now, those deaths will be on your hands.

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